by Joyce Slaton posted in Products & Prizes Baby shower gifts are touchy, given during a particularly fraught period of a woman’s life, as she prepares to plunge through the veil that separates the childed from the child-free. By the time her shower rolls around late in her pregnancy, she is likely to be round,… Read more »
Baby shower gifts are touchy, given during a particularly fraught period of a woman’s life, as she prepares to plunge through the veil that separates the childed from the child-free.
By the time her shower rolls around late in her pregnancy, she is likely to be round, uncomfortable, sweaty, and possibly suffering from swollen ankles, hemorrhoids, and acid indigestion. She’s also probably nervous, whether she’s having her first child or her third, about the exhaustion and emotional ups and downs soon to come her way. Into this toxic stew you drop a gift. Let it be one that won’t cause offense.
Now, if the mom in question asks for one of the following things, all bets are off. If she asks for it, she wants it. Full stop. Disregard our advice.
And it should go without saying but why not say it anyway: Anyone who receives a gift from anyone at any time, unless it’s the gift of a bucket o’ spiders or something, should just say “thank you,” because though some gifts are in poor taste, embarrassing their givers is so much more so. You can burn it with fire, chuck it in the trash, or donate it to the thrift shop tomorrow. Today you say thank you, even if you’re just thanking someone for loving you enough to get you this awful terrible no-good gift.
Speaking of which: If your shower-friend doesn’t ask for any of the following and you’re planning to go into the off-register area for kicks or reasons, or she demurred and said “Oh, just anything, or nothing, I just want you to come!” when asked what she wanted for a gift, the following 5 items are controversial. Here’s why.
1. Breastfeeding covers: Some moms plan to breastfeed. Some moms don’t. Some moms who breastfeed cover up. Other moms don’t want to or can’t. When you buy someone else a breastfeeding scarf or tent she didn’t ask for, you’re implying 1) she should breastfeed and 2) she should cover up while doing so. Could be neither message is welcome, and you want your gift to make your mom-loved-one feel happy, not vaguely ordered around.
2. Bottles: While this was an eminently practical thing to buy moms in the 1950s and ’60s, times have changed. Many moms plan to exclusively breastfeed, and can feel a bit insulted at receiving bottles, as if what she has isn’t “good enough.” Even if a mom plans to bottle-feed partially or exclusively, she may have a brand or type (glass? steel?) she wants to try. Bottles are also generally inexpensive and easy to buy, which are not attributes one often mentions when discussing thoughtfully chosen gifts.
3. Exercise equipment or classes: Did you want the recipient of your gift to feel as if she’s being urged to improve her physique? If the answer is yes, go right ahead and buy her that gift certificate to mommy bootcamp. If not, you can convert that exact same dollar amount into a gift certificate at a store she likes, or just a prepaid credit card with a sweet note urging her to buy anything she likes.
4. “Funny” or pink/blue/very gendered baby clothing: Baby shower veterans will tell you that at least half their guests bring clothing, particularly aunties and grandmas — it’s true, picking out adorable baby outfits is a blast, and it’s the one gift certain to make other party guests ooh and aah over your taste. But new parents are often very sensitive about what their infants wear, and your “funny” may be someone else’s “ugh.” Ironic t-shirts and onesies, unless they are of the extremely mild and positive sort, should therefore be on your “no” list. In addition, many modern parents don’t want their children judged by their gender, so would prefer to forego ruffles/pink/blue/camo/tools/trucks/embroidery that says “Daddy’s l’il princess.” No one’s gonna yell at you for buying it, but if you choose wrong, that baby’ll only wear it as long as it takes to get the thank-you card picture.
5. Judgmental baby books: A baby book seems like a natural gift for someone who just gave birth. They’re new to the job, why not give them a how-to? Because there is no how-to, not really; there are as many ways to raise a child as there are stars in the sky, and almost as many books that sternly tell new parents unless they do things this way, they’re doomed. Don’t buy other people stuff that makes them feel stressed out. If you like buying books as gifts, classic books to read to children is generally a more-appreciated choice.
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A look at how wrong baby-book-buying can go: the top 10 baby books that terrify new moms.
Author Jennifer Senior made a major splash in 2014 with this breezy book about the highs and lows of modern parenting. Senior seemed to hit a chord with most parents, who generally agreed she encapsulated their ambivalence and exhaustion. But she scared the crap out of parents-to-be, with lots of gritty detail and research on parenthood’s miseries. Sample advice: “But the truth is, there’s little even the most organized people can do to prepare themselves for having children. They can buy all the books, observe friends and relations, review their own memories of childhood. But the distance between those proxy experiences and the real thing, ultimately, can be measured in light-years. Prospective parents have no clue what their children will be like; no clue what it will mean to have their hearts permanently annexed; no clue what it will feel like to second-guess so many seemingly simple decisions, or to be multitasking even while they’re brushing their teeth, or to have a ticker tape of concerns forever whipping through their heads. Becoming a parent is one of the most sudden and dramatic changes in adult life.”
On Becoming Baby Wise by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam advises parents that their infants will manipulate them into holding and/or feeding them and advises that parents who does not use the Ezzo method will screw up their marriage. This book has a unique distinction: it has been denounced by the American Academy of Physicians due to too many parents showing up with ailing, dehydrated babies after using it. Sample advice: “Healthy, full-term babies typically are born with the capacity to achieve seven to eight hours of continuous nighttime sleep between seven and nine weeks. Whether or not your child achieves this is determined predominately by the philosophy you adopt for feeding.”
At least in the revised edition of her Sleeping Through the Night author Jodi Mindell dropped her recommendation that parents put double sheets on their infant’s bed so that if they vomit while crying to get to sleep, the sheets can be changed more easily. This sleep expert does, however, recommend that parents let children cry indefinitely when parents are trying to get them to sleep alone. Sample advice: “The truth is that many parents often do play a role in their child’s sleep habits. They may inadvertently have instituted poor sleep habits.”
The New Contented Little Baby Book is dinged constantly on parenting boards for discouraging breastfeeding and encouraging strict, unbending routine. UK child psychologist Penelope Leach said the author is popular because her books allow moms to put themselves first. Sample advice: “While establishing a routine is often very hard work and requires a lot of sacrifices on the part of the parents, hundreds of thousands of parents around the world will testify that it is worth it because they quickly learn how to meet the needs of their babies so distress is kept to a minimum.”
Written by a husband-and-wife pair who have, at last count, one million skillion children, this book advises parents that if they don’t spend pretty much every waking minute snuggling and soothing their babies, they were setting them up for a lifetime of failure. Sample advice: “When carried to the extreme, baby training is a lose lose situation: Baby loses trust in the signal value of her cues, and parents lose trust in their ability to read and respond to baby’s cues. As a result, a distance can develop between baby and parent, which is just the opposite of the closeness that develops with attachment parenting.”
The mother of all guilt-producing pregnancy books, this is automatically the one women mention when they talk about worst parenting books. What’s wrong with this book? Where do we start? The scary advice to stay away from cellphones, coffee, and excessive noise while pregnant? The constant bringing up of physical problems you never even knew to worry about? Nah, it’s the best bite advice that sucks most. Sample advice: “Before you close your mouth on a forkful of food, consider, Is this the best bite I can give my baby? If it will benefit your baby, chew away. If it’ll only benefit your sweet tooth or appease your appetite, put your fork down.”
Secrets of the Baby Whisperer illustrates the perils of taking advice from people who don’t have their own kids, even long-time nannies. Hogg is so certain of her methods that there’s no room for disagreement, not if you don’t want to screw up your baby, that is. Sample advice: “I believe all parents should [give their babies] a sense of structure and help them become independent little beings….Babies whose parents do the best they can to acknowledge and attend to their needs are secure babies. They don’t cry when they’re put down, because they feel safe on their own.”
What? The canonical guide from the much-loved long-running La Leche League, champions of breastfeeding? Yep. For women having trouble breastfeeding this book is nightmarish, since it spends a ton of time trying to convince readers how important it is to breastfeed, and how terrible formula and hospital births are. If you have a birth or breastfeeding plan that doesn’t work out, this is not a book that’ll make you feel okay about that. Sample advice: “With his small head pillowed against your breast and your milk warming his insides, your baby knows a special closeness to you. He is gaining a firm foundation in an important area of life—he is learning about love.”
Here’s the one that freaked out your mom or gran. Dr. Benjamin Spock’s bestselling book was considered gentle and mild compared to other baby guides. At least the doctor had the sense to tell parents they were the experts on their own kids. Nonetheless, the good doc was a fan of playpens, bottles, cry-it-out, housewifery, and infants who sleep on their bellies (perhaps, experts think, vastly increasing the cases of SIDS in America). Sample advice: “Biologically and temperamentally, I believe women were made to be concerned first and foremost with child care, husband care and home care.”
Ruth Yarron really, really cares about what you’re eating…to the extent that she might drive you crazy if you have a picky kid or lack the time to perfectly make the whole baby food she insists is absolutely essential for development. She smugly notes her own kids have been sick less than their peers, and criticizes parents who feed their kids meat. There are constant warnings on what you’re probably already doing wrong. Sample advice: “Keep your facial expression pleasant when you are changing baby’s diaper … he will notice the look on your face which may teach him that his private parts are repulsive and lead him to believe that sex is dirty when he gets older.”