Oh, you know all about the expected pregnancy milestones: the first time you hear the baby’s heartbeat, buy your first maternity outfit, feel the baby kick. But here are some of the pregnancy milestones no expert will ever tell you about.
1. Hugging a body pillow in bed …
… is vastly preferable to cuddling with your partner.
2. Suddenly, people on the train or bus …
… smell extra extra bad.
3. You check yourself out in a full-length mirror …
… and notice that your formerly innie belly button is now protruding from your shirt. Outies: the pregnant woman fashion accessory.
4. The first time a total stranger asks …
… if they can touch your stomach. Now you know how Pat the Bunny feels.
5. The day you look down and realize …
… you can no longer see your feet when you’re standing up. Preceded only by not being able to look down and see your va-jay-jay.
6. And then there’s the day …
… you can no longer lean over to trim your own toenails. Aka: the best excuse ever for “needing” a pedi.
7. You create a baby registry …
… and burst into tears because figuring out all that baby gear is overwhelming. Who knew a snot sucker even existed?!
8. The first stretch mark appears!
Which is actually so much better than a first varicose vein …
9. When you become the pregnant woman food cliché …
… Eating odd combos (cheese with ketchup, anyone?), craving pickles, and commandeering your partner to go out and get you a milkshake at 11:00 p.m.
10. You feel the baby doing …
… something that feels like Taekwondo Yoga Pilates. Or maybe he’s twerking?
11. The night your husband …
… wonders out loud about whether it’s safe to have sex because he doesn’t want to hurt the baby.
12. Your entire existence …
… begins to revolve around peeing. If you don’t actually have to go, you’re thinking about the next time you have to go. And anytime you’re somewhere new, you immediately scout out the location of the bathroom. Also see: First time you laugh and you pee a little.
13. The moment you decide …
… you literally have nothing left to wear because you are so sick and tired of maternity clothes, and you raid your normal wardrobe looking for anything you might be able to squeeze into.
14. That time when it becomes very clear …
… you and your partner have completely opposite ideas of what to name the baby. And it seems like he/she is at risk of being the first baby ever to not get a name.
15. You start doing that extreme pregnant woman waddle toward the end …
… and people on the street stare kindly at you, because that’s how gigantic you look.
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