The Infertile Woman’s Survival Guide

After four years, multiple IVF cycles, three devastating miscarriages, and countless setbacks … Aela’s road to motherhood has been anything but easy. Follow her story on Babble and don’t miss the latest chapter in her journey below.

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I’ve been at this for four years now, and by “this” I mean not getting and staying pregnant. Of course, I didn’t originally set out for this trip to motherhood to take so long — none of us do — but it becomes daunting when you get to that place in your journey where you’re unsure if there is an end in sight.

I remember being about a year into fertility treatments and thinking my time, my baby, is just around the corner. I wish, as cliché as it sounds, that I knew then what I know now. Over the years, I’ve come to learn what infertility warriors have known long before I joined this club: There are certain things you need along the way to maintain your sanity, your self-worth, and your relationships. I call it: the Infertile Woman’s Survival Guide.

1. A doctor you trust

Fertility treatments are serious and expensive. You should feel 100 percent like your doctor hears you, really hears you. Fertility practices are busy and each doctor has hundreds of patients. If you feel like their office is too busy for you or you’re not getting the attention you need, leave. Find a new doctor — find a new fertility center. You won’t enter this journey expecting it to be long, but it often is — so put a little extra work into finding a doctor you’re comfortable with.

2. An outlet for stress

Whether it be a daily walk, meditation, or dancing in your living room, you need something to unload the stress or it will adversely affect your treatments. I remember the first time I was told that stress is bad for fertility, and focusing on not being stressed just made me more stressed. Meditation seems like it would be the most boring thing in the world, but it’s so worth it. It really is calming. But any type of de-stresser will do the trick. When it comes to this, seriously just do something. Anything.

3. A tech vacation, or 20

Unplug for the weekend. Stay off social media. Declutter the noise in your head by staying offline every now and again, and especially just after getting the news of a negative pregnancy test — because, without fail, that will be the same time five of your Facebook friends decide to announce their pregnancies. Just finished a transfer? Stop Googling for a day. You’re just going to make yourself feel crazy. Give yourself a virtual break. You will feel so much less weight on you when you do.

4. The right medications

You won’t necessarily know what’s right for you until you discover medications that are wrong for you. Sure, no fertility medication is fun, but if you’re having an especially adverse reaction to one, tell your doctor you don’t want to take it. I used Lupron in my first IVF cycle and never again — that’s how horrible it was for me. There are countless alternatives and protocols that can be used, so there’s no need to suffer more than we have to.

5. Acupuncture

Yes, it’s an expensive add-on to an already expensive journey, but the benefits are so worth it: increased blood flow to the uterus, relaxation, balancing of hormones. I started my journey with acupuncture, gave it up for a while because of the cost, and started up again with my most recent cycle. I wish I had never stopped.

6. Childfree friends

All your friends have kids? That’s cool, but be sure to find some new ones that don’t. It gets tough to always hear about their kids, and you’ll want to be able to be a good friend to them during your own journey. It’s much easier to do that with a balance of no-kid friends in your life. Otherwise, you feel like the only one who doesn’t get it and you hurt from the constant reminders of what you don’t have. Hanging with other people who also don’t have children, for whatever their reasons, is a healthy way to keep some of your self-worth intact.

7. Someone to confide in

A therapist would be best, but try at least to find someone — anyone — that you’re able to completely unleash all the suck to. It can be as simple as an online forum, speaking to other women who really do get it. It can be a nonjudgmental friend or aunt, someone who just listens and maybe doesn’t say much but is just there for you. If this is your someone, let them know it’s OK for them not to have the answers. So often, people want to help, want to give advice, want to tell you what worked for their co-worker’s niece. Rarely will they ever say anything you haven’t already heard, so let them know you don’t expect them to have answers — you just need an ear.

8. Good books

And I don’t mean ones about fertility. I’m talking about books you enjoy reading, books that can help you escape the hard reality of infertility, if even for a few hours each week. Let your mind go elsewhere. Fight like hell — in the moments that you can — to not allow this road to take over your entire life. Find small moments of joy, and cherish them.

This sh*t is hard. The road is often far too long and unfair. My hope is that you can take some of this advice to heart — from someone who’s been where you are — and that some of your sanity remains intact.

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