I recently discovered that you can search your entire Google history. Yikes.
Right before I was pregnant, my husband and I spent a romantic weekend at a B&B in the Berkshires. Looking back at my Google history, I discovered this gem: “How to open a wine bottle with a shoe.” Ahh, those were the days …
And then I became pregnant, and my Google searches went apeshit crazy. We’re talking utter insanity. It started innocently enough, with things such as, “Hard time believing I’m pregnant,” because I spent the majority of my adulthood trying to be not pregnant, so when I finally wanted kids I didn’t want to get disappointed if the pregnancy tests (multiple) were wrong.
But then things got a little weirder: “Goose poop and pregnancy.” Yeah, that came up with nothing. My dog ate some goose shit and I freaked out when he licked my face moments later. So. Freaked. Out. Google told me nothing.
I asked pregnant mothers what their craziest Google searches were and here were some of their responses.
“Can I eat _______?” — Susan
Fill in the blank with every food imaginable. Brie? Tuna? Crab legs? Peanut Butter? Cheese? Frozen waffles? Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream? Soy sauce? Sesame seeds? Green tea? Ginger? And on and on and on. The fear is real, folks.
“Can you bend over while pregnant?” — Christina
I mean …
“My baby is moving around a lot and I think I hurt her feelings.” — Julie
Yes, probably. What did you say to her anyway?
“I woke up on my back while pregnant. Did I hurt my baby?” — Veronica
Doctors recommend that you sleep on your side after 20 weeks of pregnancy. It didn’t matter how much I tried to avoid this sleeping position — every morning I’d wake up on my back, through the entirety of both pregnancies. (My babies were fine.)
“False labor. Over. And over. And over. And over. From week 17 to 38.” — Jessica
False labor can feel so. incredibly. real. After the fifth visit to the ER, or the tenth time calling your OB, you might start to feel like you’ve gotta figure this one out on your own. Call Dr. Google …
“Why is my toilet seat purple?” — Sarah
Did this happen to you? A quick Google search shows that if it did, you’re not alone. (Word on the street is it’s caused by your changing hormones.)
In the last trimester, things get even more wild. Google ends up being that TMI friend that we all have and can’t help but listen to, despite knowing the implications.
“Will the full moon put me into labor?!” — Elizabeth
According to Duke Health, probably not, but a thunderstorm might!
“What is the purple line theory?” — Megan
Ok. I had never heard of this one before, and I need to warn you: if you search for this yourself, be aware that this is very NSFW.
“What does a mucus plug look like?” — Heather
Warning: cannot unsee.
“Did my water break?” — Laura
You’d think that this would be a very simple “yes” or “no” answer; something that you wouldn’t have to Google. Right? Wrong. Oh. So. Wrong.
The next time you’re up at 2 AM Googling irrational question after irrational question, know this: you are not alone.
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