What a Contract Should Look Like Between Moms and Their Pregnant Bodies

Just like nothing can quite prepare you for marriage, nothing can quite prepare you for the incredible experience of growing another body inside of your body.

Also just like marriage, many of those embarking on the journey may find themselves wishing they had entered into a contract before the actual experience so as to ensure certain terms and conditions are being met.

While it would be great to make my body promise to allow me to continue life as if I wasn’t even pregnant, I understand the need for the cascade of hormones and I recognize that you can’t get the hormones without the side effects.

I think we can all agree though, there need to be some firm limits in place.

So if I could write my own prepartum agreement between, it’d look something like this …

During the pregnancy and the first 6 months postpartum, The Body will allow The Mother to store away hours of sleep for later use in a “Sleep Bank.” To maximize hours put into the Sleep Bank, The Body will fall asleep on demand instead of staying up for hours thinking about hypothetical kitchen remodels.

The Bladder will require voiding no more than 1 time per hour during waking hours, and 1 time per 5 hours during sleep. These limits will stay in place throughout the entire pregnancy.

Any morning sickness must come between weeks 6 and 12 of the pregnancy, with each day’s bouts of sickness totaling no more than 3 hours. Any other nausea the body wishes to inflict must be gifted to either The Mother’s partner or The Mother’s most unsympathetic friend.

The Body will be allowed to inflict “Pregnancy Brain” only 1 time per week, and it must never allow The Mother to forget where her keys are, any important deadlines at work, or if she’s brushed her teeth yet.

From the list of raw cookie dough, lunch meat, sushi, fish, shellfish, caffeine, alcohol, unpasteurized cheese, raw sprouts, unpasteurized fruit juices, herbal tea, and eggnog, The Mother will choose 3 foods to avoid throughout the pregnancy; the remaining items will have no adverse effects on the growth of the fetus. Teetotaler vegan mothers will be forced to give up 3 commonly eaten foods so that they suffer like everybody else.

The Mother will allow The Body to endow her with any cup size it so desires during the pregnancy, provided she can choose the post-birth cup size.

If The Mother promises to sleep on her left side at least 3 days a week, she will be allowed to sleep in any other position she desires for the remaining 4 days of the week without vomiting or cutting off blood supply to the fetus.

The Body will be allowed to flatten and grow The Feet during pregnancy for better support and balance, but once the child is expelled, The Feet must return to their original size pre-pregnancy.

During the third trimester of the pregnancy, The Body must give The Mother the ability to put on socks and tie her shoes without running out of breath.

The Mother will allow The Body to experience heartburn up to 2 times per week, but the heartburn must be in association with either Indian food or Mexican food. If The Mother experiences any heartburn associated with chocolate or ice cream, she is immediately allowed 3 months with 0 instances of heartburn.

Any hair that is gained during the pregnancy belongs exclusively to The Mother, and she will decide when and at what rate it will fall out post-birth.

The Body will require the uterus to act like any other muscle — becoming more toned with use instead of more flaccid. In return, The Mother will exercise The Body on a regular basis.

The Mother agrees to take on at most 8 stretch marks, provided The Body lightens the marks to silver within 1 month of giving birth, as promised by the Internet.

After The Mother has given birth and put in the effort to exercise and eat healthy foods, the last stubborn 10 pounds must melt off on their own.

Now I just need to find a lawyer to make this agreement air-tight …