An Infertile Woman’s Letter to Santa

After four years, multiple IVF cycles, three devastating miscarriages, and countless setbacks … Aela’s road to motherhood has been anything but easy. Follow her story on Babble and don’t miss the latest chapter in her journey below.

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Dear Santa,

I don’t remember the last time I wrote you. I hope you’ll remember me. I was that little girl from Woodstock, NY who asked you for a sister year after year. I love my three brothers, you see, but I always wanted a sister. In any case, it seems I’m making a similar request 28 years later. The only difference is that I’m no longer wishing for a sister; I’m now wishing for a child of my own. I’ve spent the last four years trying to have a baby, and I could really use a Christmas miracle.

I know some people my age might laugh and say, “There’s no such thing as Santa,” but I know they’re wrong. I see Santa not just at Christmas but all throughout the year with little miracles that bring joy to the hearts of the lonely and less fortunate. I know I’m blessed to be among the fortunate. I have a warm home, healthy food, a secure job, a dedicated wife, a supportive family, and some of the best friends a gal could ever want. So please know that I am not ungrateful for all I do have. I’m very thankful for every ounce of it. It’s just that my heart and my home are so full of love. In fact, sometimes it feels like my heart will burst from all the love I hold, and I want more than anything to be able share this love with a child. I want to be a mom, Santa.

Can you please help make that happen?

I know I’m supposed to have faith that all will work out for me, and that a child will come in time. But I need your help. My faith is dwindling, and I’m hoping you can reignite it this Christmastime.

I ask also for patience, as mine is running thin. It’s been nearly four years, and, well, I’m not getting any younger. I’ll be 38 in the spring, and each day more and more gray hairs sprout on my head. I know motherhood will come, but please give me the patience I need to get through until that day comes.

Santa, some days are really dark for me. After I lost my twins at 17 weeks, I awoke on Christmas morning to breasts engorged with milk and no babies to feed. It’s taken me almost three years to fully come to terms with how traumatic that loss was for me, and there have been many dark times during these years. Please help me find clarity when those days never seem to end, clarity to know that I can get through them and to remember that the darkness won’t last.

Those tough days make me question if this is the right path for me. I ask you to please give me the strength to not give up. Sometimes, it feels so easy to just throw in the towel, but I know that won’t make me a mother. And so, I need strength to keep going.

I’m not so young and naive to think that a baby will be placed under my tree this Christmas; I know that’s not possible. But, this Christmas, I ask you for the gift of motherhood. I ask you to work that Santa magic and help a healthy baby find its way to my womb and then into my arms.

With love and hope,

An infertile woman.

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