The Weird Postpartum Body Change I Didn’t See Coming

When I was pregnant with my first daughter she had a tendency to savagely kick my insides until tears welled up in my eyes. At the time, I believed this could only mean a couple of things: I was either giving birth to a gazelle or she was going to be a marathon runner by her first birthday. I wasn’t too far off — she was standing unassisted at 6 months, walking by 9.

Needless to say, I was relieved when she was born, if only to give my ribs a break. What I wasn’t expecting was that I’d feel phantom kicks for many, many months afterwards.

About a month postpartum when things seemed to finally be getting a bit back to (my new) normal, my best friend asked if I had felt any “phantom kicks” yet.

“What the … ? What are those?”

She explained that, for some reason, after you give birth you’ll sometimes feel a phantom baby kicking inside. “It’s not painful like those 30-week kicks, but they’ll be pronounced enough that you’ll swear you’re pregnant.”

Oh man. That sounds terrifying.

I carried on with life and motherhood and forgot about what she said, until that fateful day.

Boop.

Boop.

Boop.

Boop.

WHAT WAS THAT?! AM I PREGNANT? I’M PREGNANT AND THE BABY IS BIG ENOUGH TO BE KICKING ME?! I freaked. I completely forgot what my friend had told me and called my husband at work. “I NEED YOU TO BUY ME A PREGNANCY TEST ON THE WAY HOME, PLEASE AND THANK YOU.”

I should have been relieved when the test came back negative. Instead I threw it in the trash. “I need another one. I felt a baby kick me.”

I saw my friend later that day and she could see the worry on my face. When she asked what was wrong, I whispered, “I took a pregnancy test. It was negative but I definitely felt a baby in my belly. I’m not ready to be pregnant again!”

She laughed, but I failed to see the humor. “Remember a few weeks ago when I asked you about phantom kicks? Aren’t they freaky?”

I guess for some reason after our first conversation I had allowed myself to believe that I’d be able to tell the difference between real kicks and phantom kicks if and when the time came … but I totally couldn’t.

OK — now I knew. I was “experienced” in the feeling, so you’d think that I wouldn’t worry every time they happened.

But no two days were the same. Sometimes I’d go months without feeling any. Then one day they were ongoing, so I was again filled with panic. I looked down and, I kid you not, my belly was moving. Just like with a baby kick. Again with the pregnancy test, again a negative.

Eventually they faded and all was calm. After my second child was born I didn’t feel them nearly as frequently and even when I did I (almost) always took a deep breath and told myself they weren’t a real baby. Don’t get me wrong — I love my children and a pregnancy wouldn’t be the end of the world, but even a planned pregnancy makes me panic, just a little.

It turns out that phantom kicks are present due to muscle spasms and gas, either of which can cause the slightest movement when you are staring and waiting to see the “baby” kick. They can also be caused from the uterus contracting after giving birth, in those first months that you’re still recovering and likely still vividly recounting your birthing experience. Freaky, right? Not only that, but some women experience them for years. Years!

So, do yourself a favor, Mamas: go ahead and buy the 50-pack of the cheap pregnancy tests on Amazon. You won’t regret it.

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